Suzanne Weller: “When someone just says ‘yes’ all the time, you kind of lose respect.” | Photo by Adam Bacher.
There’s a moment most of us recognize instantly: a request comes in — from a client, a colleague, a partner, a friend — and before we’ve even thought it through, we feel the pull to say yes.
At the recent Northwest Event Show in Seattle, Suzanne Weller, founder of Weller Collaboration and a coach and adviser to leaders at companies such as Google, Microsoft, Amazon and Salesforce, challenged that instinct.
Her talk on “Compassionate Courage” offered a practical framework for something many of us struggle with in and out of the workplace: knowing how, and when, to push back.
You opened with the idea that this isn’t just about conversations with clients. Who is this really for? This is for anybody in your life that maybe is asking for something that you know is coming from a good place, but you don’t necessarily want to move forward with it.
Why is pushing back so hard for so many people? We feel guilty. If I think “Oh God, I’m letting somebody down,” that is gutting, and we are wired to receive praise. This is just who we are as human beings. (And) the need to be liked. Recognizing that just because you say yes, doesn’t mean you’re going to be liked.
What’s the real cost of always saying yes? In that moment, you are buying peace for something that is not going to serve you long term. It leaves the impression that your expertise is optional. When you say yes, you are getting that peace now instead of trust later, you don’t really get both. It can be nice to help somebody out, but when someone just says “yes” all the time, you kind of lose respect.
What is the ‘Compassionate Courage’ method? Step One: Acknowledge. It validates the underlying outcome before introducing friction. Where is this request coming from? Here is the magic phrase: “What I’m hearing from you, is you want ___.”
Step 2: The Reframe. This is when you translate their request into a visible, specific trade-off. This is when they start to understand the cost of their request. The magic phrase here is “Here’s how that request lands in our current plan. It sounds good, but the real choice is ___. Let’s talk about reality and what the tradeoff is going to be.”
Step 3: Choose. You are giving them the opportunity to move forward with some solutions that you’re offering. Then, bring your recommendation in after you’ve acknowledged them again. “I would recommend this, but in the end it’s your decision and I’ll support whatever you choose.”
So, you’re empowering them. You’re giving them other options. You’re not shutting them down, and you’re keeping the conversation open.
